Can I write this

I’m drinking kind of twisted .. it’s 3:56am seems ima break night .. I’m a little high too .. can I really write this .. omgood when friends become family. . This is something I’ve learned as a grown up. . This is an amazing feeling ..if I had this growing up I would have been in politics .. I would of been a happy young person … the bitterness would be mild, trust issues resolved. .. that push to see things better .. the ultimate support. .

Just needed listen needed to write these words. .. congrats to those that found this build on it .. for those that haven’t ..think deep you have to have em …

Sonia

and off he goes to college

A new and powerful force just hit me.. It’s like what the hell is this called.. College ? Let me just start  and rate my experience 1-10 (10being fml) I rate it 9.5 yep almost a fml..

I knew this day would come but when it did I didn’t expect it would challenge my self being; it would destroy my sense of humanity and it would make me feel as if I failed LIFE for having 3 kids and being a single mother. Ok let me tone down on the dramatics. But seriously, this opened my eyes to see how naïve and misguided I was about building a better future for my children. Well I didn’t really build shit but I have a job and therefore, I thought I can make things happen.  I don’t know exactly where to being so this post is going to sound wacky (just like this writer) but I want the world (you are the world lol) to know that my son IS A JERK.. jejejeje I think all freaking kids that live in poverty, that are consider the minority and otherwise super poor are jerks. I feel they just never freaking do everything and anything they need to do to get ahead of themselves. This generation has the go with the flow attitude so down packed I wish the flow would freaking take em somewhere in life.  My son gave me a hard ass time when it came to filling out forms, picking schools and having to turn papers/essays in on time. This is the part where I thought did my son needed special ed? nope he’s just a JERK. My God all the stuff the college asked for and at the end I still have to take 101 freaking loans so why bother. I will tell you why because as much as I didn’t believe it as much as it has never affected me until now this COLLEGE journey is truly one HUGE BUSINESS in which we are not the employee or employer. It’s not about nothing else but how much can they fuck you up for life and keep fucking your children and their children.  NYC Board of Education public schools don’t  prepare our children for this type of journey. Wow it almost sounds like I don’t like college 😦 that is not the case, in fact (another blog another time), I have to go back to college soon for some freaking classes my job requires so in the near future if I want to upgrade from bread Nd butter to bread Nd jam I have that chance. I like school it keeps you young and active. Anywho, I understand we have to help our children and that we want this for them so the cost will be sleep deprived, hunger, and staying broke for a bit longerrrr due to sending your child away to college knowing you have 0 dollars to spare; but I didn’t think I have to sell my soul nor that I have to help my child in every step of the damn way until who the fuck knows. I’m like ok now you have a foot in put the rest of your ass in it too 😦

Colleges don’t freaking let you know how your child is doing and by the time they do it’s nothing good and when you want to find out basic information you need written permission yeah wish you asked me for written permission when you suckered him into taking a few loans without consulting me mofo’s. Colleges are like hey Ms. Arod (lol) your child is a young adult cut the cord but oh you have a bill for xx.xx for this and that ..who the fuck cares……!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you’re going to bill me anyways right!!! why don’t you just treat him as independent/ homeless and a jerk and leave me the hell alone.. I will just see him for the holidays. fml. If he would have stayed local guess I wouldn’t be so angry and disillusioned at what colleges claim they offer and what it means to have a child go away but not fully go away. It means to have to worry even more than usual and the worst part is YOU have to TRUST your child with responsibilities. But my son decided to go away taking his financial aid and has to use it on fucking ROOM AND BOARD because that is all that shit barely covered. What the hell… Is like I’m taking loans for him to eat lunch food and sleep in a room with 2 other jerks and walk like a zombie for the next 4 years. Our aide  didn’t even cover not 1 goddamn book. What a scam.

This is where I realized what I did wrong with raising him, our communication skills aren’t strong because we don’t seem to see eye to eye on anything and that is fucking draining now I see how parents gets better at parenting skills with their 2nd child because with the 1st you truly are practicing.   Now is that the should have, would have, could have kicks me in the ass and slaps me in the face at the same time. WARMING: Drugs and alcohol apparently is a HUGE factor in college so good luck if your child liked that crap while with you because they gonna freaking love it over there 😦

When people tell me oh Sonia how lucky your son went away and is doing for him. I want to fucking slap them with a bill that I get every few months. I still would be lucky if he would have stayed and let’s say go to a great college here where we freaking  live because at the end of it all he wants to come back here to NYC and get a job here hereeeeeeeeeeee so why the fuck did he want to leave in the 1st place. We don’t have time for this shit anymore that was in the 60’s where minority and different cultural races where trying to change their status in society or trying to improve their job chances by having more education than their parents did. Now we are all mixed in this big pot of shortness that was made hundredths of years ago. I tell you why cause kids are Jerks. They want to act grown get away from us parents and do what they want. But they will always need us. He wanted to leave I let him now he don’t wanna get a job making up 102 excuses;  its hard it’s this and that too much homework classwork. At least that’s how I see it. I use to love it when my son called or texted now I’m like oh what does he need now. This is not the experience I wanted for myself.

The good part is now I have more space in my tiny apartment lol .. And well yes at the end he’s getting an experience that I will never have. Hoping  this degree from Buffalo College better be worth all the headache and extra stress I AM forced to deal with. And one day hopefully, I would look back and say I don’t feel how I did when I was venting on this blog about him going away to a college that I can’t afford. PS hope this loan I had to take boost my credit report.

I won’t make this any longer because I don’t want him or my readers to think I am against college. I just didn’t think I would be so sad and miserable having to deal with them. I am a realist and this was one leap I took without really having a say so because I figured this is his life but for next time around, I am not going to kid myself. I believe school is school and it’s up to the individual to present themselves not where their degree came from.

Happy Blogging;

Sonia

Here we go again!!!!

I don’t want to start this blog by saying omg why did I even stop writing, how can I get my mojo back blablablabla.. but guess what!! I just did lol

The one thing I appreciate about writing and wanting to put my thoughts/emotions and whatever else (mainly bad grammar) into words  is that I will never run out of things to say. I guess I will start by writing why I had stopped writing (lol). Depression became part of my life, it is almost as if I invite the motherfucker over myself. Once I am hanging with Mr. Depression a series of patterns comes with it and blogging is not one of them :(. I never replaced my tablet, didn’t find time to type at home (or at least thought I didn’t) and lastly because I would have just written negative dark thoughts and lets face it WE ARE ALL KIND OF TIRED OF THAT SHIT..

Moving forward because wayyyyyyy too much things has happened since the last time I even thought of going back to blogging. I have to go back to college for a few course (boo), I don’t keep in touch with my childhood friends expect maybe 2 and I am freaking ok with this, I haven’t lost weight (actually gained),   I want to write a book, (you should see my face), and my OLDEST SON IS IN COLLEGE .. woohooo at last something positive and productive..

I am going to STOP here and move on to another clean sheet. I want to air out my experience as a SINGLE mother of 3 sending her 1st born off to a college that clearly I can’t afford lmao…

Happy Blogging to everyone,

Sonia

I miss this part of my life

Hello  readers, bloggers,and friends ;
I miss blogging POINT BLANK not blogging for this long makes me
feel as if  I failed a class or played hookie from school and lost valuable information.. the PRIMARY reason (excuse) I haven’t blogged is that I had to change my phone and when I downloaded the app.. it was not letting me sign in instead it was asking me to create a new account.. but as of today.. I no longer have this problem.. you should see my face.. 🙂 lol.. I don’t know if I should stArt new or try to catch up on the stories I ment to write I definitely want to let some things off my chest .. I am however going to take it easy with this post let it sink in to myself that I’m connected again …

Happy happy blogging
Sonia

the set up

Hi…

A True Story I use the MTA everyday… I don’t normally buy an unlimited card because 1. I don’t use it often (I travel to the same place to and from) and 2. I never remember when the shit expires but this particular week I happened to need one so I purchased it. The fucked up shit is that on this Friday morning as I get in the MTA bus the card had expired. Crazy shit is that I used it just the day before and didn’t notice the date it was going to expire.

Anyways, here I am with no regular money metro card and so I ask the mta bus drive (the fucking asshole, hope his day went shitty and he got a stomach virus and couldn’t find a toilet on time) if I can get a ride to the train station where I have to fill my metro card anyfuck ways and pay for the train ride to work. I felt I wasn’t getting a free ride because I still had to pay when I got to the train station. so here goes the bus driver not saying anything with his mouth but he did motion me with his hand to go ahead. I have 3 kids and sometimes I do that shit so I know that when you signal with your hand it means go ahead. So I took this as the same and went inside the bus and sat my ass down… I thought things were ok. I was still going to get to work on time and I had money to fill the card.

but..That is now what happened otherwise I wouldn’t be writing (venting) about this.. just the next fucking stop .. a man in regular clothes told me to get off the bus. I fucking panicked. I have never been approached by an under cop. They are worst than the ones in uniform. While still inside the bus I asked why? he said I didn’t pay the fair. so here goes the set up 

I was like “but I asked the bus driver if I can get a ride to the train and he said ok”, the under cover pig  said “he didn’t say yes”, then I said “I know he didn’t use words but he motion with his hand to go, otherwise I wouldn’t fucking go in”. The whole time I was still inside the bus. So the under cover pigs because now another one joined in said to get off but before I did I turned around and looked at the bus driver in his face and said “you are an asshole and I hope you have shitty day, if you knew I couldn’t ride the bus then why didn’t you say something, you just made me hate all bus drivers because you knew this” I left everyone talking about it, the regular people, civilians who were saying out loud that they saw him motion for me to go in and so forth..

Once outside, I wanted to cry. I felt humiliated, betrayed, SET UP. He proceeded to write up a ticket for not paying my fair. I was answering his question with the only attitude. He (the pig) was like Ms. don’t worry about it just go to this address and turned the ticket around and circled the address and go fight it. I was like what? You now made me late to work, do you know how hard it is to keep a job these days of course not you a cop you guys are jerks and don’t need to follow laws or rules because you don’t work for the people you work for the streets, then I still can’t get in the bus because I don’t fucking have a metro card and don’t live near a place where I can get the metro card refilled.

I live in an area where you have to take a bus to a train or walk to the train.. I got a ticket of 100 bucks.. I will fight it but that’s not the point

the point is that people became assholes and they stay assholes. lol (venting). My court date is not until the 16th of this month but I wrote a letter to the transit court and if they can resolve it before that date then I don’t have to miss work (withoutpay) to go attend this bullshit. I have to wait for a response. I wish I can attach the letter to this blog but I typed it at work and well I’m home now. I might email it to myself then attach it so you guys can read it. I am so down because of this. I am going through some hardship right now and this just adds to my depression and problems especially that money is involved.

any ways I wanted to vent, blog and share this ..

Sonia

To pray or not to pray

Hi.. Its been to long.. I thought I forgotten my password just like everything in my life.. I forgot what worked, what makes me happy.. I lost it..

I use to pray to a god name Jehovah.. Is the only one I knew. But I forgot how I use to pray.. I’ve forgotten what I use to ask of him.. I forgotten how I felt when I use to pray.. I think it was similar to how I’m feeling nowadays.. desperate..

I don’t know how to do it anymore..  I tried praying to get slim knowing damn well I love eating and without that self control I ain’t gonna go anywhere.. God is not gonna get me skinny.. I have to get myself in shape..
I don’t think anyone should pray to win the lotto because that’s gambling and god (my idea of god) wouldn’t grant you this.. We shouldn’t be gambling in the 1st place. God knows most of us are poor or struggling but he didn’t get us this way we did so I guess we have to find our own way to get out of it.. Imagine if he granted this prayer to someone then I guess he would have to do it to everyone who prays to win..

So should I pray about love.. I’m in love now with someone who doesn’t even want me.. Should I ask for strength to let go. Knowing ima live a few years the saddest I’ve been. Should I pray for him to love me..isn’t that messing with their free will?  I don’t know how to pray because I’m so sad..

I’ve been angry and when it happens I  vent to get it over with.. I’ve been depressed and when that happens I  isolated myself from the world to find myself.. But when you’re sad… Truly sad… Crying becomes your friend and because you want a friend I can’t stop.crying, I can’t stop blaming myself..

Should I pray for forgiveness knowing I don’t even know why.. I was made this way.. And I’ve come to hate it.. But I can’t change it for too long for my true self always comes out ..

I don’t know how to pray.. It sounds fake to me.. It sounds selfish..

Maybe I should pray for god to be real..

Missed blogging
Sonia

I told someone, a man I know through my social life that I wanted to sleep with him.. Even as I type this I still can’t believe that I did this. It’s not that I haven’t done this before lol but it’s been years many years and it’s been only in 2 other occasion that I have acted out of my character.

I was at a club hanging out by the bar where I always manage to get a few men to buy me a couple of drinks with absolutely no strings attached. I just so happened to drink a bit too much this particular night. Not enough to get me drunk (I only get drunk by drinking a few bottles) but enough to make me hyped, energized and bold.

I seen him there. I’m not attracted to him. At least that is not the 1st thing I see in him. I have met him a few times before but nothing more. He came over to say hi, that much I figured he’ll do since I often comment on most of his post and simply enjoy correcting his spelling. lol We spoke briefly then I asked him to buy me a drink.

I didn’t see him again till I left, but I was messaging him and in one of the message I told him I wanted him sexually. I can’t remember the exact words, I never went back to the original message to read what I had written. I figure it’s too late for that. I acted young, spontaneous, carefree, daring, promiscuous, and I didn’t want to turn back. I know I didn’t use rated x words that is not my style even though I was not acting my 100% that is just something I won’t do no matter how drunk or horny I get.  All I know is that I had said enough to get him to come  talk with me before the night ended. And he and I both knew he could have had me if he wanted to. I can’t say that I’m glad he didn’t because I would have rather he did but he hasn’t.

We spoken and things were said that clearly indicates that I am more than willing to try to satisfy this urge that all the sudden I have towards him and he also lead me to think he will give it a try. I don’t want him for my man, maybe I could have been a lover but not now..not now that it has been a few weekends and he still hasn’t set something up. I still very much would like to sleep with him but he doesn’t seem to be into me. This is the thing, I can’t go now and try to fix this image I left him with because it just doesn’t work this way. I came on to him and I thought he would have went for it end of story. I thought as adults I can say what I feel and tell him what I want and not fucking get judged because at the end we are adults and know better. Yeah whatever, he probably thinks ima slut and go around telling guys that I want to sleep with them lol. ironic right. In a way now it’s cool if he doesn’t even get a chance to sleep with me because like I said this was unexpected of me to even go for it and I’ve lasted quite a while without any sex maybe he wasn’t even worth my energy especially if he’s all talk and no action which is what he’s already showing me. I guess I will never know. I sometimes feel that I have a few deity guiding me and this is one way of protecting me from whatever could had happened lol (that can be another blog)

I am planning on deleting him and not having contact with him only because I do feel maybe 20% embarrassed and 15%disappointed. We still active socially and I might bump into him any weekend soon because we have a few parties line up at the same venue 😦 I don’t want to face him anytime soon. Anyways, I wanted to get it out my system. I haven’t told any of my friends 😦 I don’t want to hear the sermon that comes after some shit like this. I know as a woman you’re not suppose to act this way as a single mother this is no way to do things. But it was what I felt at the moment and I went for it hoping this might turn out to be a wonderful sex story not a wonderful reject one lol

I could have written more. But I wanted to keep it simple. This whole experience is something to think about. Most guys pretend to go to clubs to meet someone 1st reason is to sleep with them , here he met me and I told him I wanted sex and he was as shocked as me but didn’t go for it. So I guess most guys do go to a club to meet someone who might become their future girlfriend or wife. Isn’t that some shit. yet they act as if that’s not the case. now I know it is.. I know my next time for me to act this out of character won’t be anytime soon. He was the first in a while and I didn’t like the end. but

it is what it is

and that is part of life and lessons ..

Happy Columbus Day…

Some things are unavoidable

Hi,
I live in NYC but I’ve been to other states,city and country two things that are so freaking unavoidable is 1. Getting bit by mosquitos and 2. Catching a cold.

It’s the second week of October and here I am still getting bit my these pesting mosquitos. I don’t even know the purpose of these fuckers. Even the roaches have a purpose they eat the crumbs you leave behind and show you how dirty you’re living. Lol But, what the heck does a mosquito contributes to this planet? I’m not even going to google it because I don’t want an answer. I can’t think of one single purpose besides tormenting everything in this world. They are to me the most annoying living insect to exist right next to bedbugs. They so sneaky and fast. I don’t trust sneaky and fast. It’s so uncomfortable getting bit by a mosquito. That itch is torment, especially if you’re in public and can’t help to stop scratching. You don’t even give a fuck what people might think you have but you just know you have to scratch or you will die. Lol (I luv exaggerating) but that’s how it feels to me. I especially hate being bitten in odd places. Like right on your knee or elbow bone.. Holy Moly those spots are insane when you try to scratch. I guess because I hardly go around scratching or even touching myself in those spot it just feels so weird. I’m use to getting bit in the arm and leg. One time I got a bite in the back of my neck and lower spine. I cannot forget that shit. I had to take a Benadryl to ease the itching because I hardly was able to stop from mutilating my neck. I will never stop bitching about insects bite. I’m surprised they weren’t mention as a torturing method from our early dysfunctional history days.

And now for my #2. The damn common cold who’s now mutated into the flu. It seems that even the slightest hint on you catching a cold you’re screwed. When I use to catch a cold, I would drink tea make soup (preferable Lipton soup) and use vicks (mentol) that was my cure.. now? Oh shit ..I need a flu shot, antibiotics, stay in bed, boxes of tissue, hand sanitizer, stay away from the children, can’t eat (yet don’t lose weight), stuffy nose, ear ache, migraine, fever and more.. I’m not exaggerating. Not this time..lmao

I realized it doesn’t make much of a difference what you do before a cold to protected yourself. If you’re going to get it then you’re going to get it. Lately the over the counter meds that worked well in the past years are almost no good. Scary right? I know at least a few people throughout the year (including summer) that will say they have a cold. I’m like wtf… At work, school, and public transportation I always find someone who has a cold. lol… The worst part of the cold is having to blow your nose and you don’t have tissue. Life is funny this way.

Somethings are unavoidable and I strongly believe these two things are on the top of the list.

happy blogging,
I am having fun writing 🙂

Sonia

back to school/college

Hi,

So our children have it good when they finish high school and go straight to college or if not college at least some type of trading school.   I say this because here I am more than 10yrs from leaving my academic life behind and yet I’m back to school. Yep, I joined the thousands of grownups that went back to school for whatever reason we had too.

I didn’t jump straight into college. There was no way I could of done that. I am taking free remedial classes (well at least that’s what I call it)   because like most of us (out of sync with school) I had no clue to where begin. I didn’t want to register, pay and waste my time taking classes that I don’t even get credits for. So here I am taking writing and math 2x a week for 8 weeks. 

Ima tell you the con of this. I don’t think teachers/professors realize that there is a huge difference in teaching young adults that come straight from high school vs. grown ass people who after all these years feel no one should tell them what to do (lol) hahahaha .. ok that might not made sense to you but let me give you a few back ups of what I’m talking about then you might see what I mean.

 

Writing class (Monday’s): The first day of class she gave an essay to write and told us (repeatedly) that according to how she grades this essay it will decide if we stay in her class or go to another writing level class. I understood immediately what she was saying. But half the fucking class (all over the age of 35) kept asking  dumb questions. YES CONTRARY TO WHAT TEACHERS ALWAYS SAY “THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A DUMB QUESTION”, I BELIEVE THAT NOT ONLY ARE THERE DUMB QUESTIONS  ASKED BUT ALSO DUMB ANSWERS, DUMB ASS PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD, AND PEOPLE DO DUMB THINGS ALL THE TIME ..  godddd it feels good to let this out of my system.

Shit, I wanted to answer for the teacher already and say you know what I believe you dumb fucks might not stay in this intermediate to advance writing class because how can you be ok writers and not fucking understand what she just said. But of course I couldn’t  say that. So I just sat there reading my book Once by Cameron Dokey, until the teacher resume.

I can’t compare her way of teaching with anyone recent because I haven’t been in school or taken a class in a while. I thought she was doing an ok job. She started with the basics of reminding us what’s a sentence structure, asked us to download the dictionary and thesaurus, and gave a whole class on: word forms. I just had to learn to shut the fuck up when I wanted to spaz out on these grown ass people asking these questions. I need to practice this because I am the newly PTA President at my oldest high school and I know the parents are gonna start asking the most annoying questions.

so this is what happened, only 3 Monday’s later, her class and the other lever class merge and she’s gone no longer working with the agency. Who knows what happened but you know (if you are a grown up that have worked in your fucking life) that the agency will not fucking tell you exactly what happened because that is not professional or they can probably get sued or it’s just straight up gossip. But do you think these grown ass people thought about this NO, they kept asking where is she, what happened and then they even went on to have some opinions about what they think happened and actually wanted to fucking discuss it. I’m not even exaggerating the class starts at 6 and it was well into 7 and the our new teacher hasn’t even been given a change to start the lesson. fml.. I was so upset I wanted to fucking shout you stupid mother fuckers this is a free class no one is obligated to fucking stay if one teacher is gone so fucking what you have another one. I just wanted to start writing and get to know the rules of writing because I need this I don’t give a fuck which teacher is the one showing me. wooosaaaaaaahhhhhhhh…
Which leads me to the last point I want to bring up, the original class is set for 6 weeks because the female professor was a private contract and she charges per head vs this new teacher who is consider in-house and he gets paid according to contract so with this we can get 2 more classes making it a total of 8 weeks and omfuckinggoodness you should have been there when one grown ass woman (50+) was going on and on how this messes up her plans and she barely wants to go to the 6 weeks and blablabla,, I wanted to say bitch you can leave now no one is forcing you SERIOUSLY. But the teacher couldn’t say such things so he was cool let her vent and then told her nicely she if she can’t make it to the last 2 classes oh well. Now hopefully, we can resume our regular schedule classes. lol

Math Class (Wednesday): another fucking stress due to asking 100,000 (lol) questions.. the instructor said in the 1st day of class that he will not be intensively going over the previous week’s work. but it seems that because people are asking dumb questions he has no choice, I blame that fact that I am almost 99.9% sure that once we leave the class these mofo’s are not practicing what they just relearn because the following it’s like they forgot EVERYTHING, damn I feel as if I can remember the rules so can they. I see them (the grown ups )lol talking to each other while the instructor gives the lesson, they be on their phones, or doing something else. How the fuck do you except to learn anything like this? better yet, how do you expect our youth will do better when they do the same thing.

I thought it would have been a good thing to go back to school with mostly people my age, but now I see when I start the real college I hope I’m with mostly freshly high school graduates vs. grown ups that because they are grown they feel a certain type of way when told what to do. Not that I’m saying the teens/young adults aren’t bad asses that will make you wanna curse them out but I know they have a more respectful atmosphere and they are much easier to teach than grown folks. And I know the teachers struggle to talk reasonable with us because of this fact that they not older than us..the generation that went back to school have forgotten to just listen first before talking and to pay attention. I feel they bring too much personal life experience into the class room vs. the younger generation that haven’t accumulated so many as us. and that delays the lessons, the real lessons of the classroom. 😦
I hope the rest of these classes go better than the intro. because I really want to know the basics and get as much as I can. I miss my kids and my personal time. I can’t even go dancing as much as I use too and I have homework which I have to make time for all this I am willing to sacrifice and do because I truly want to become a better scholar and be able to help my children with school work, I want to impress you guys with some of my writing skills and most of all I want to feel I accomplished this for myself. but please I ask of those that are going back to school ASK YOUR QUESTIONS IN YOUR HEAD FIRST, YOU MIGHT BE SURPRISED THAT YOU CAN ANSWER MOST OF THEM YOURSELF, BECAUSE IF YOU GOT ANYTHING FROM THIS BLOG IS THAT THERE IS SUCH A THING AS A DUMB QUESTION IS JUST PROFESSIONALS ARE NOT ALLOWED TO SAY THIS TO YOUR FACE..

happy blogging,

Sonia
ps this is my #50th blog yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhh happy

any excuse will do

Hi,

I have been busy very busy with this thing called life. My routine was just going to work then home. I am a full time mother taking care of 3 kids, a cat and the apartment. Then one day, I just got tired of it all including my kids lol… So I did what every loca (crazy) person will do, I made my schedule so busy I have NO time to complain or get tired of it all. I created an excuse ..

This is what I did. I got a daily calendar and decided I will do something everyday. I started taking a free writing class after work on Mondays. I decided I want to become a better writer for the purpose of becoming a neat semi professional blogger. I also know  that this will help me in the near future for when I decide to enroll in college and have to take an entry exam. On Tuesdays I go to the Copa after work (this is what I consider my gym time), and on Wednesdays  I take an after work free beginners Math class which I absolutely love. With this class I can help my daughter with her math homework. So you see where this is going, I no longer complain about how I just go home and do choirs, cook or deal with the kids. I created another type of life one that makes me a little happy to be able to do something I want because I want to.

I know that I went overboard with the fact that one day I was not doing much with my routine to going full blast that now I hardly go straight home, I should of played it even and started slow with maybe 2 nights a week but fuck it if I figured it don’t matter if it’s 1 or 4 we will all just have to adjust. I just needed to feel as if I have my life in my own hands. I know once you have kids you are practically screwed (even after they become grown ups we are still their mama lol) but I just don’t feel the need to be physically there all the time, I want so desperate for them to realize that they are growing up and need to be more independent than what they are now.  I also know that this is temporary. After all, the classes will come to an end someday lol and I have done something similar to this before, but the truth is that is happening now and I secretly love it.

What I have observed is this, you (we) have to MAKE a moment count, if we feel we have to teach a lesson then why not let it be a good important beneficial  lesson. What I am trying to say and it’s not really coming out is this. My children are now depending on each other more than they did before. I see the difference. My 2 oldest makes sure that the youngest does his homework and my daughter makes light food for the boys. I know more than half the people I know would say this is a parent job but in my household I made it a family obligation to help each other in all matters. My youngest is in kindergarten so how hard can his homework be, I do not need to be there for that when I am doing something that will help all of us in the future. On the days that I do go home straight after work I take that day to clean up and do house choirs. I switch our whole routine around. We talk more; I guess is because they miss me, oh and  we kiss and hug more too. I am not saying we didn’t before, but its been a while since I have felt the need to just “do me” and do something I want regardless of what I have to do when I get home. Things still get done, I still cook and clean and spend time with the kids but now I’m happier because I also go dancing and to school and see the changes that are happening in my household in my  life and my children’s.  I don’t mean to teach them a lesson but I need for them to realize they have to be there for each other and by me just saying it I felt it need to be emphasized and demonstrated so I did one of the only thing I knew, I let them figure it out on their own (even if some people find they too young) I know my kids better than anyone else in the planet, in the universe and I knew this would work. It was either gonna blow up in my face (which my teen sort of did) but I realized it was mostly cause he is lazy and didn’t want the responsibility of helping with his siblings but I told him “don’t be afraid to grow up, and the more you get older the more shit you have to learn and do”, or it was gonna go good and they adjust to the changes which was the outcome of this current situation.

Well classes end on the first week of December. I don’t know what I will do afterwards lol but I know I will always remain being myself and if I can make myself happy I can make my children and others around me feel good near me and hopefully happy too once I give them the excuse that I use jejejejeje…

 

thanks for reading

Happy Blogging

 

Sonia