Conspiracy or not the Flu shot….

So here I was before  Nov. 3rd 2015 .. feeling my usual self. Always hungry, hyper, keeping busy, cooking and cleaning. Being me. Then my job told me I have two options get the flu shot or wear a daily mask for 6 months (supposedly that’s how long flu season is extending too) and I would have to change it 2x a day. It was like a fucking prescription.   At first I thought the mask don’t sound  so bad let me try this. I didn’t even lasted 2 days. I didn’t like the mask rubbing on my lips constantly or the fact most people I spoke to kept asking me to repeat myself like just because I was wearing a face mask they couldn’t hear me clear. smh. It wasn’t  just 2x a day I had to change it, it was more like 4x,they forgot lunch hour I had to change it then too. Also, I didn’t get my own personal box they put it in the front desk and you just take one from there. I seen workers and patients grab one then put it back ewww.

So the next day (on my day off), Election day, more specific, I go over to Duane Reade and fill out the required documents to get the Flu shot.  It was quick and easy. I go to work the next day and tell my supervisor that I have gotten the flu shot show proof and now I’m in the clear.

A couple of  days later, are you reading this JUST A COUPLE  DAYS LATER. I start to feel not myself. I know this may sound weird but I actually felt tingling all over my body reminding me of a horror sci-fi movie where they inject bugs into someone. I felt the bug inside of me 😦 I woke up as usual but this time I was feeling tired, and weak. I noticed that I didn’t have an appetite for my usual breakfast and that I was becoming lazy. I started drinking tea, taking it easy and eating soup. It felt like the beginning of a cold but not quite. A few days after those symptoms that’s when I really noticed my body change and mood changes. I stopped eating, all I wanted was to sleep. I was getting chills actually I felt I was freezing. I kept taking showers thinking let me keep clean, let me try to keep killing these COLD GERMS. year right.. I got moody everything and everyone bothered me. I started to cough, a dry cough no mucus yet. Coughing like if I was a smoker. My taste buds are almost non-existence, I could have eaten a raw whole onion and not taste the shit. Ears occasionally getting clogged and my head feeling heavy. Sound familiar? The doctor try to tell me it might be sinus .. smh you damn liars .. I don’t suffer from sinus not have a history of getting that shit. But, I do know what I got a damn flu shot that is slowly but surely fucking with my immune system. I was informed the incubation period for a live virus is about 4 days but it don’t matter it’s in your system and it has done damage already.

Nov. 13 2015 I am still sick. Truly sick. Had a fever last night and woke up with a mini mouth soar. So of course we all know this is contagious. I still don’t have my appetite. My nose is stuffed and running. The only symptom that I haven’t gotten is soar throat but I have everything else. My head feels heavy my vision is semi blurred  (that’s probably because I haven’t eaten good), I am just so miserable. I keep drinking water and tea to keep hydrated. I don’t like this feeling. I can’t stand that this was done to me. I don’t get sick just out the blue. No one else is sick in my household but me. I keep changing my bed sheets. It’s now labeled a cold by my physical md. She is treating me for allergies, sinus, and head cold. 😦 everything but for the flu.

Conspiracy or not .. The flu shot did get me from being healthy to being sick. I am not against vaccines but this one I will stop getting It is not worth all these symptoms and discomfort. And when you do get it you just have to wait for it to leave on its own.

Ima stop writing gonna take some type of pills so I can rest now.

Sonia

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Can I write this

I’m drinking kind of twisted .. it’s 3:56am seems ima break night .. I’m a little high too .. can I really write this .. omgood when friends become family. . This is something I’ve learned as a grown up. . This is an amazing feeling ..if I had this growing up I would have been in politics .. I would of been a happy young person … the bitterness would be mild, trust issues resolved. .. that push to see things better .. the ultimate support. .

Just needed listen needed to write these words. .. congrats to those that found this build on it .. for those that haven’t ..think deep you have to have em …

Sonia

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and off he goes to college

A new and powerful force just hit me.. It’s like what the hell is this called.. College ? Let me just start  and rate my experience 1-10 (10being fml) I rate it 9.5 yep almost a fml..

I knew this day would come but when it did I didn’t expect it would challenge my self being; it would destroy my sense of humanity and it would make me feel as if I failed LIFE for having 3 kids and being a single mother. Ok let me tone down on the dramatics. But seriously, this opened my eyes to see how naïve and misguided I was about building a better future for my children. Well I didn’t really build shit but I have a job and therefore, I thought I can make things happen.  I don’t know exactly where to being so this post is going to sound wacky (just like this writer) but I want the world (you are the world lol) to know that my son IS A JERK.. jejejeje I think all freaking kids that live in poverty, that are consider the minority and otherwise super poor are jerks. I feel they just never freaking do everything and anything they need to do to get ahead of themselves. This generation has the go with the flow attitude so down packed I wish the flow would freaking take em somewhere in life.  My son gave me a hard ass time when it came to filling out forms, picking schools and having to turn papers/essays in on time. This is the part where I thought did my son needed special ed? nope he’s just a JERK. My God all the stuff the college asked for and at the end I still have to take 101 freaking loans so why bother. I will tell you why because as much as I didn’t believe it as much as it has never affected me until now this COLLEGE journey is truly one HUGE BUSINESS in which we are not the employee or employer. It’s not about nothing else but how much can they fuck you up for life and keep fucking your children and their children.  NYC Board of Education public schools don’t  prepare our children for this type of journey. Wow it almost sounds like I don’t like college 😦 that is not the case, in fact (another blog another time), I have to go back to college soon for some freaking classes my job requires so in the near future if I want to upgrade from bread Nd butter to bread Nd jam I have that chance. I like school it keeps you young and active. Anywho, I understand we have to help our children and that we want this for them so the cost will be sleep deprived, hunger, and staying broke for a bit longerrrr due to sending your child away to college knowing you have 0 dollars to spare; but I didn’t think I have to sell my soul nor that I have to help my child in every step of the damn way until who the fuck knows. I’m like ok now you have a foot in put the rest of your ass in it too 😦

Colleges don’t freaking let you know how your child is doing and by the time they do it’s nothing good and when you want to find out basic information you need written permission yeah wish you asked me for written permission when you suckered him into taking a few loans without consulting me mofo’s. Colleges are like hey Ms. Arod (lol) your child is a young adult cut the cord but oh you have a bill for xx.xx for this and that ..who the fuck cares……!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you’re going to bill me anyways right!!! why don’t you just treat him as independent/ homeless and a jerk and leave me the hell alone.. I will just see him for the holidays. fml. If he would have stayed local guess I wouldn’t be so angry and disillusioned at what colleges claim they offer and what it means to have a child go away but not fully go away. It means to have to worry even more than usual and the worst part is YOU have to TRUST your child with responsibilities. But my son decided to go away taking his financial aid and has to use it on fucking ROOM AND BOARD because that is all that shit barely covered. What the hell… Is like I’m taking loans for him to eat lunch food and sleep in a room with 2 other jerks and walk like a zombie for the next 4 years. Our aide  didn’t even cover not 1 goddamn book. What a scam.

This is where I realized what I did wrong with raising him, our communication skills aren’t strong because we don’t seem to see eye to eye on anything and that is fucking draining now I see how parents gets better at parenting skills with their 2nd child because with the 1st you truly are practicing.   Now is that the should have, would have, could have kicks me in the ass and slaps me in the face at the same time. WARMING: Drugs and alcohol apparently is a HUGE factor in college so good luck if your child liked that crap while with you because they gonna freaking love it over there 😦

When people tell me oh Sonia how lucky your son went away and is doing for him. I want to fucking slap them with a bill that I get every few months. I still would be lucky if he would have stayed and let’s say go to a great college here where we freaking  live because at the end of it all he wants to come back here to NYC and get a job here hereeeeeeeeeeee so why the fuck did he want to leave in the 1st place. We don’t have time for this shit anymore that was in the 60’s where minority and different cultural races where trying to change their status in society or trying to improve their job chances by having more education than their parents did. Now we are all mixed in this big pot of shortness that was made hundredths of years ago. I tell you why cause kids are Jerks. They want to act grown get away from us parents and do what they want. But they will always need us. He wanted to leave I let him now he don’t wanna get a job making up 102 excuses;  its hard it’s this and that too much homework classwork. At least that’s how I see it. I use to love it when my son called or texted now I’m like oh what does he need now. This is not the experience I wanted for myself.

The good part is now I have more space in my tiny apartment lol .. And well yes at the end he’s getting an experience that I will never have. Hoping  this degree from Buffalo College better be worth all the headache and extra stress I AM forced to deal with. And one day hopefully, I would look back and say I don’t feel how I did when I was venting on this blog about him going away to a college that I can’t afford. PS hope this loan I had to take boost my credit report.

I won’t make this any longer because I don’t want him or my readers to think I am against college. I just didn’t think I would be so sad and miserable having to deal with them. I am a realist and this was one leap I took without really having a say so because I figured this is his life but for next time around, I am not going to kid myself. I believe school is school and it’s up to the individual to present themselves not where their degree came from.

Happy Blogging;

Sonia

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Here we go again!!!!

I don’t want to start this blog by saying omg why did I even stop writing, how can I get my mojo back blablablabla.. but guess what!! I just did lol

The one thing I appreciate about writing and wanting to put my thoughts/emotions and whatever else (mainly bad grammar) into words  is that I will never run out of things to say. I guess I will start by writing why I had stopped writing (lol). Depression became part of my life, it is almost as if I invite the motherfucker over myself. Once I am hanging with Mr. Depression a series of patterns comes with it and blogging is not one of them :(. I never replaced my tablet, didn’t find time to type at home (or at least thought I didn’t) and lastly because I would have just written negative dark thoughts and lets face it WE ARE ALL KIND OF TIRED OF THAT SHIT..

Moving forward because wayyyyyyy too much things has happened since the last time I even thought of going back to blogging. I have to go back to college for a few course (boo), I don’t keep in touch with my childhood friends expect maybe 2 and I am freaking ok with this, I haven’t lost weight (actually gained),   I want to write a book, (you should see my face), and my OLDEST SON IS IN COLLEGE .. woohooo at last something positive and productive..

I am going to STOP here and move on to another clean sheet. I want to air out my experience as a SINGLE mother of 3 sending her 1st born off to a college that clearly I can’t afford lmao…

Happy Blogging to everyone,

Sonia

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I miss this part of my life

Hello  readers, bloggers,and friends ;
I miss blogging POINT BLANK not blogging for this long makes me
feel as if  I failed a class or played hookie from school and lost valuable information.. the PRIMARY reason (excuse) I haven’t blogged is that I had to change my phone and when I downloaded the app.. it was not letting me sign in instead it was asking me to create a new account.. but as of today.. I no longer have this problem.. you should see my face.. 🙂 lol.. I don’t know if I should stArt new or try to catch up on the stories I ment to write I definitely want to let some things off my chest .. I am however going to take it easy with this post let it sink in to myself that I’m connected again …

Happy happy blogging
Sonia

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the set up

Hi…

A True Story I use the MTA everyday… I don’t normally buy an unlimited card because 1. I don’t use it often (I travel to the same place to and from) and 2. I never remember when the shit expires but this particular week I happened to need one so I purchased it. The fucked up shit is that on this Friday morning as I get in the MTA bus the card had expired. Crazy shit is that I used it just the day before and didn’t notice the date it was going to expire.

Anyways, here I am with no regular money metro card and so I ask the mta bus drive (the fucking asshole, hope his day went shitty and he got a stomach virus and couldn’t find a toilet on time) if I can get a ride to the train station where I have to fill my metro card anyfuck ways and pay for the train ride to work. I felt I wasn’t getting a free ride because I still had to pay when I got to the train station. so here goes the bus driver not saying anything with his mouth but he did motion me with his hand to go ahead. I have 3 kids and sometimes I do that shit so I know that when you signal with your hand it means go ahead. So I took this as the same and went inside the bus and sat my ass down… I thought things were ok. I was still going to get to work on time and I had money to fill the card.

but..That is now what happened otherwise I wouldn’t be writing (venting) about this.. just the next fucking stop .. a man in regular clothes told me to get off the bus. I fucking panicked. I have never been approached by an under cop. They are worst than the ones in uniform. While still inside the bus I asked why? he said I didn’t pay the fair. so here goes the set up 

I was like “but I asked the bus driver if I can get a ride to the train and he said ok”, the under cover pig  said “he didn’t say yes”, then I said “I know he didn’t use words but he motion with his hand to go, otherwise I wouldn’t fucking go in”. The whole time I was still inside the bus. So the under cover pigs because now another one joined in said to get off but before I did I turned around and looked at the bus driver in his face and said “you are an asshole and I hope you have shitty day, if you knew I couldn’t ride the bus then why didn’t you say something, you just made me hate all bus drivers because you knew this” I left everyone talking about it, the regular people, civilians who were saying out loud that they saw him motion for me to go in and so forth..

Once outside, I wanted to cry. I felt humiliated, betrayed, SET UP. He proceeded to write up a ticket for not paying my fair. I was answering his question with the only attitude. He (the pig) was like Ms. don’t worry about it just go to this address and turned the ticket around and circled the address and go fight it. I was like what? You now made me late to work, do you know how hard it is to keep a job these days of course not you a cop you guys are jerks and don’t need to follow laws or rules because you don’t work for the people you work for the streets, then I still can’t get in the bus because I don’t fucking have a metro card and don’t live near a place where I can get the metro card refilled.

I live in an area where you have to take a bus to a train or walk to the train.. I got a ticket of 100 bucks.. I will fight it but that’s not the point

the point is that people became assholes and they stay assholes. lol (venting). My court date is not until the 16th of this month but I wrote a letter to the transit court and if they can resolve it before that date then I don’t have to miss work (withoutpay) to go attend this bullshit. I have to wait for a response. I wish I can attach the letter to this blog but I typed it at work and well I’m home now. I might email it to myself then attach it so you guys can read it. I am so down because of this. I am going through some hardship right now and this just adds to my depression and problems especially that money is involved.

any ways I wanted to vent, blog and share this ..

Sonia

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To pray or not to pray

Hi.. Its been to long.. I thought I forgotten my password just like everything in my life.. I forgot what worked, what makes me happy.. I lost it..

I use to pray to a god name Jehovah.. Is the only one I knew. But I forgot how I use to pray.. I’ve forgotten what I use to ask of him.. I forgotten how I felt when I use to pray.. I think it was similar to how I’m feeling nowadays.. desperate..

I don’t know how to do it anymore..  I tried praying to get slim knowing damn well I love eating and without that self control I ain’t gonna go anywhere.. God is not gonna get me skinny.. I have to get myself in shape..
I don’t think anyone should pray to win the lotto because that’s gambling and god (my idea of god) wouldn’t grant you this.. We shouldn’t be gambling in the 1st place. God knows most of us are poor or struggling but he didn’t get us this way we did so I guess we have to find our own way to get out of it.. Imagine if he granted this prayer to someone then I guess he would have to do it to everyone who prays to win..

So should I pray about love.. I’m in love now with someone who doesn’t even want me.. Should I ask for strength to let go. Knowing ima live a few years the saddest I’ve been. Should I pray for him to love me..isn’t that messing with their free will?  I don’t know how to pray because I’m so sad..

I’ve been angry and when it happens I  vent to get it over with.. I’ve been depressed and when that happens I  isolated myself from the world to find myself.. But when you’re sad… Truly sad… Crying becomes your friend and because you want a friend I can’t stop.crying, I can’t stop blaming myself..

Should I pray for forgiveness knowing I don’t even know why.. I was made this way.. And I’ve come to hate it.. But I can’t change it for too long for my true self always comes out ..

I don’t know how to pray.. It sounds fake to me.. It sounds selfish..

Maybe I should pray for god to be real..

Missed blogging
Sonia

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