I may not be 100% human because I lack emotions that I see so common especially when a tragic event takes place.
I am going to give you an example: When it comes to death, I don’t have strong sentimental expression. If your loved one died of natural causes or old age. I find it so ridiculous when they go all bonkers because they died. Aren’t you glad you got spend all that time with this person or that they are out of their misery?
My grandmother was the 1st real close family member who died that affected me the most and even then it was mostly because I seen my mother go crazy over it. I felt sorry for my mother but afterwards I felt angry and wanted to slap her. My grandmother was in her late 80’s and very fucking sick. I remember her being a strong, tricky, influential person but karma got her good because she died not even being able to wipe her ass. She had a stroke and a heart attack back to back which left her in a state that she couldn’t do shit for herself not even talk. I know it sounds cruel what I just wrote, but I have always linked how you live is how you will die or if you didn’t pay your karma dues while living; it will come at the end before your death. I know for a fact that if she could have talked she would have said to kill her or some shit like it because I know deep down her pride was still there and she was miserable living that type of life. I seen it in her face expression. So when she died it just flew over me. I don’t remember even crying that much. I knew she was happier dead than to keep having someone come take care of her like a hopeless handicap person.
Recently some of my friends have meet death in their family or close people they know and I see them posting all sort of post on their fb page and this goes on for days and days. That’s why I think I’m not all 100% human. I’m hoping I am mixed with elves. lol ( I am currently reading Brisingr by Christopher Paolini and I guess I’m identifying myself with the semi emotionless Elves.
But as As I read these friend post how much this person ment to them and so forth. I sometimes ask them “how close were they with the decease”, and sometimes they answer “they my mother’s 2nd cousin”, wtf .. if you didn’t know them that well or have them as part of your childhood memory why the fuck are you going bonkers with emotions. If they are old what the hell do you expect was going to happened? I accept death; it is the only thing I know for sure will happen. I think the only death that touches me is when their time was not up and/or people get killed for the dumbest things. But with my experiences on death (only been to a handful of funerals) I can say that even that doesn’t affect me like I thought it would.
I went to my friends baby daddy funeral a few years back and that shit didn’t even make me sad, why? because he was a drug dealer so at the end what did she expect when dealing with this scenery. I know of a few people who overdosed but that also goes over my emoticon lol because if your drug habit was that bad then maybe you were off better dead.
Both my parents are alive. But I already know I won’t take my father’s death hard because I don’t have a relationship with him now. My mother might be the 1st that will make this post a contradiction. But even with her I seriously doubt that I will go bonkers because she’s not my #1 priority or my #1 love. I will miss her and yes I will cry but if she is a cranky old woman with health problems and very intolerable to deal with then let death become her. It is the natural law that after you are born and live your life you die. I guess because I understand this and accept this fate I view and treat death different.
I just hate seeing people make an ass out of themselves because their great-grandparents or grandparents or old uncle/aunt dies of old age. Don’t get me wrong I give my condolence and sympathies but I don’t go further than that and if I see they last more than a week or so writing all these things about the person that they never mentioned before until they died, I X them out of my feed lol.
I want to live my life showing my kids that we are happy together and they need to work at being happy alone and with someone else, I try to encourage them not to have too many children so they wouldn’t have to deal with so much heartache. I tell them that we are all going to die and that is part of life. I tell them that they must try to stay 90% active and 10% neutral so that when death do come to me they know that it is ok and it was worth being their mother and them my children.
I want to make it easier for them for when they have to deal with death. I already paid for my services and cremation. I took that burden out of my children. Which lead me to write this, I also don’t understand why people in general has a hard time discussing death issues and financial matters while they alive. Do they fucking think that they gonna live forever? I seen to many of my friends having to beg, collect and take loans because their parents or family members didn’t leave shit in order. Another of our human failure.
I hope and always pray that my death be of natural cause of old age and that I die peacefully in my sleep surrounded by all my kids and grandchildren.
well I will end this post because I am on my way to the library then to sign up my children at the local recreation center.